


Family Matters

by HASA_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Fellowship of the Ring, Humor, War of the Ring, Writing - Good use of humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-22
Updated: 2004-08-20
Packaged: 2018-03-25 07:11:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3801432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HASA_Archivist/pseuds/HASA_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The members of the Fellowship come to terms with dysfunctional families and love interests, with the help of an infamous friend they meet during the Quest.  </p><p>A piece of badfic that should not be written.  Ever.  Released from the darkest depths of the human imagination for the Confessions of a Dangerous Mind Challenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the HASA Transition Team: This story was originally archived at [HASA](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Henneth_Ann%C3%BBn_Story_Archive), which closed in February 2015. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in February 2015. We posted announcements about the move, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact The HASA Transition Team using the e-mail address on the [HASA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hasa/profile).

This summary is rated G (God-awful).

*******

The Fellowship is five days out of Rivendell. Everyone is depressed and no one can get along. Pippin discovers Gandalf's stash of _miruvor_ , and soon they are all drunk. Before they know it, they're telling each other their most sordid and shameful family secrets.

Gandalf tearfully reveals that he has always wandered because he feels lost, and likely will continue his wanderings until the end of time. After years of self-analysis, he believes that his feelings of not belonging anywhere come from not knowing who his parents are. Part of him longs to miraculously find them on his aimless wanderings, and another part of him hates them for abandoning him. His mixed feelings are driving him crazy.

Legolas's father has a strange fetish for interspecies love affairs, and has sired many illegitimate half-elves. The citizens of Mirkwood are repulsed by their depraved king, and Legolas endured ceaseless teasing as a child. To make matters worse, Thranduil doesn't love Legolas, his only legitimate child, because he finds full-blooded elves dreadfully dull. Legolas is in despair over his fruitless efforts to win his father's affection.

The Fellowship are all shocked to then learn that Gimli is half-elf. It seems his mother had an affair with some poncy Elvenking, resulting in Gimli, who is abhorred by his people. His non-dwarven blood, Gimli confesses, is the real reason Gloin didn't let him come on the Quest for the Lonely Mountain.

Of course, they soon figure out that Gimli and Legolas have the same father. Legolas is furious that one of his father's half-breed offspring could have been allowed to accompany the revered Ringbearer, and much name-calling ensues.

Aragorn manages to distract the combatants with his confession that he has been dating three women at the same time, and is worried that his girlfriends might find out about his unfaithfulness. That doesn't seem like much until he adds that he is only attracted to Arwen when he pretends she is his sister. Grossing the Fellowship out further, he admits that he's also been dating Galadriel, Arwen's grandmother, and a hobbit lass from Bree. He only started seeing the hobbit after Galadriel told him some dirty stories about Thranduil, and he just had to try the interspecies thing himself.

Boromir enrages Aragorn by claiming to be dating Arwen himself. It seems she kept him company the two months he was stuck in Rivendell, and consoled him when he worried about his brother plotting to usurp the Stewardship of Gondor.

"She never really liked you," he tells the furious Aragorn.

In no time the two of them are at each other's throats.

Frodo takes this opportunity to finally confess the lurid details of his passionate love affair with Pippin's mother nine months before Pippin was born. The real reason he never married is because he is only attracted to older, already married lasses, not because he likes to wander, as he has always claimed.

"Oh, by the way, Pippin, I'm your real father."

Sam tries to outdo all these confessions by admitting that his mother isn't really dead; she ran off with Sandyman, the miller, and joined a travelling circus.

So that's why he and the miller's son don't get along!

Merry blubbers his way through a sad tale of how his parents were always too busy to spend any time with him as a child, forcing him to amuse himself by studying herbs. While this hobby helped pass the time, he is now too nerdy to get a girlfriend.

And finally Pippin reveals that his sisters are all addicted to opium, and he is forced to work in a sweatshop to help pay off his parents' gambling debts.

By now the whole Fellowship is falling apart. The Quest seems doomed. Who can save our heroes?


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The members of the Fellowship come to terms with dysfunctional families and love interests, with the help of an infamous friend they meet during the Quest.

Suddenly the most beautiful young woman any of them have ever seen appears before the Fellowship. They gasp in awe. Is this Elbereth herself, come to help Middle-earth in its hour of need?

No. It's Mary Sue!

Somehow knowing exactly what ails our heroes, Mary Sue leads a brilliant group therapy session, displaying tremendous knowledge and wisdom despite her obvious young age. In no time at all, the Fellowship is feeling better.

Half-brothers Gimli and Legolas have worked out their differences, and leave to try their new diplomatic skills on Thranduil, hoping to at last get to know their father.

Frodo and Pippin go off on their own for some father-son bonding.

Boromir and Aragorn have decided to convince Arwen, Galadriel, and the hobbit lass to choose between the two men, and are working on a plan to get rid of Boromir's pesky, scheming brother.

With the Fellowship now down to just Gandalf, Merry, and Sam, Mary Sue charms our remaining heroes into forgetting their troubles, and the four of them head off in the direction of Mary Sue's home, a lovely friendship beginning.

Some time later Merry has a thought:

"Um, weren't we supposed to do something about that Ring thingy?"

Mary Sue simply reminds him that she does all the thinking now. He soon forgets again, and our heroes live happily ever after.

 

**The End (we hope)**


End file.
